Saturday, July 4, 2009
5:48 pm,
A rant, if you will.
Last night Brody's death began to catch up with me after a full month of him being gone. I stopped myself from dealing with it again because - okay, I don't know. To be honest, it's because I'm always around other people and it's not fair to have everyone else have to deal with my issues. Maybe that's stupid, but Ash is still dealing with it and when she breaks down I feel myself breaking down and it's not fair that I can't just be there for her without losing it. I'm just... I don't know. I feel like at any moment now I'm going to crack, not just about Brody, but because of the stress of moving, about being jobless, about my family, about my Oma being in the hospital again, about the kids being sick, about EVERYTHING, I'm so close to breaking apart because I have issues talking about things. And it's not like I'm the only one dealing with it - Ash is too so why should I lose it and expect her to be strong enough to deal with me as well as her own emotions?
Okay, I thought typing would help me, to find an answer, but it's only making me more frustrated and confused and ready to break down. I hate not having answers. I hate facing something that doesn't have an answer I can't figure out. I once told Ash that I always had a way, that I could find a fix for anything. And to be faced with something like Brody's death where there is nothing I can do, not one damn thing, no spell, no prayer, no deal that can be made, is a foundation-shaking experience. I simply don't understand it and because of that I haven't yet reaching that comprehension that he's not here. I went through this same thing when I lost Brandy. Nothing felt real and it didn't feel like she was gone, and it doesn't feel like Brody is gone. And when I do start thinking about it, really thinking about, I grow close to losing it, and losing it scares me. I hate losing it. I don't know who I am when I lose it or what I'm capable and past situations have left me unsure as to how to act towards different feelings because I'm scared I'll trigger another black out and that frightens me more completely than anything else.
Maybe I shouldn't be so forthright with all of this, but maybe if I continue to say things out loud I'll find the answer. There has to be an answer to something at least. I guess the big question that angers me more than anything is the question WHY? Why did Brody have to die? What came of that? I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, but this. I see no reason. I have no idea why it happened. And it angers me that now I question something I had fierce belief in. My universe was shattered because a speeding car hit and killed Brody and never stopped to even check that he was okay and I fucking saw the entire thing and couldn't stop it. I should have been able to stop it.
I need to stop thinking before I lose it. I can't lose it. I hate myself when I'm not the person I know I am. I need to learn to master my emotions. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions and not let myself be triggered by them. I let them control me and that's not how it should be. The answer right now has something to do with getting a job - something stable, something real, because while that won't necessarily everything, it will lead to fixing everything. A job would be the start. I know I write so much about it, but the worry I feel over it takes up so much of my mind right now. The economy is getting better, but not fast enough.
I'm blocking again and grasping for holds that aren't there, I feel. I'm so tired all the time, absolutely all the time, exhausted. Ash and I barely ever sleep anymore - we try so hard but we're both worried and stressed and we stay up and talk about the stress, or we fall into restless naps that don't last much longer than an hour at a time throughout the night. It's hard on our bodies and we've both been getting sick from it. Life is just hard right now and it seems like we'll never move forward even though I know we have to and that we will. Life is stagnant, but together we'll get through. It's odd but in the last few days I've felt a renewed understanding between us and maybe that's just me, but there's also that patience there again that allows us to get through things one breath at a time. We've been taken more short moments to just stop and kiss, or say something nice, little "us" moments whenever we can catch them. It feels good because it's kind of a silent reassurance that nothing, not even our current situation, can pull us apart as much as it tries.
Right now there are fireworks and I am at my wits end. All attempts to not lose it are forgotten as I've already burst into tears more times than I'd like to count and anything will set me off. I'm so jumpy that even a dropped pencil will have me curling up into the fetal position. Anyone who knows me knows that that is what the fourth of July does to me. I have a horrible phobia of fireworks that's not rational or reasonable and makes people think me silly because I can't control the intense shudders and asthma-like symptoms that come with the sound and sight of fireworks. So before I lose all control and pass out, I shall go run and hide and watch Ninja Warrior while Ash attempts to hold my hand and I squeeze all the life out of hers. She keeps me going.
I need to write more short posts and less novels.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
1:18 pm,
another freak out post.
There are some days when the stress is so high, I just can't stop myself from breaking down and bawling like a baby. Then there are those very short-lived times, like last night, when I feel free, and Ash is on the bed curled up reading a book and I'm sitting next to her with my laptop and all the cats and dogs are curled up around us and life is just good. Those are the times that keep me going because it's like a preview of what could be when we finally have our own space are we aren't stressing about what everyone else is doing in the house.
The week that Ash and I spent by ourselves, when her sister was off with her friends all week and her mom was in Chicago, that week was fantastic. The house and the kids were all ours, and even when we bickered it was short and quickly forgotten and nothing had to be pent up and hidden and everything was our way and we just understood each other again. Even when the added burden of the two new cats and puppy, everything just worked out because it was just us, and when it's just us, we are able to feel each other out and know how to listen to each other and just enjoy the world.
The moment everyone returned, the stress spiked and despite how much I had work against it, I keep having panic attacks and nervous breakdowns and I feel like I'm about to just fall apart. I'm not saying that her mom and sister are horrible - no, I love them so much and they are amazing people (her mom is one of the most intelligent people - she's going to Harvard this fall), but we all deal with things differently and sometimes I just feel like none of us mesh when it comes to trying to calm down, so everything just gets worse. People jump to conclusions, I flake out and leave, and the world just tumbles down around us all in shambles. It doesn't ever last long, usually just a day if that, but having it happen so much wears down on you. While I love Ash's family dearly, I miss just being with her and living with her and being able to do what we want, when we want. With everyone else around, I feel like we have to hide our bickering, bite back on showing emotion, and then it builds up so much it explodes and it's worse than ever. Things get said we don't mean simple because we aren't able to talk about them like we would normally. I miss having our own house and not just a room, I miss having a day to day schedule of our own, and I miss just sharing my private life with her and no one else. It's frustrating, and maybe it's selfish, but I love her and I want to start my life with her.
Which leads us to being lost yet again on what we're going to do when we move out. I feel stuck - we have a short time to get out of here and yet it seems that no one is doing anything to start the process. Ash and I made a list of every box and object that we owned in this house so we know what's ours, but we can't start packing because we still haven't gotten a storage unit. I feel like we're at a stand still. Not to mention, I still haven't heard back from a job in Florida, which makes Ash worry a lot and now she feels we should just move to Austin because even though we have no jobs or a place to live, at least she has more family there to help us out. Which is good, but I know we had both been starting to get excited about Florida and all that it offered in terms of Disneyworld, Sea World, the ocean, and the large amount of contacts we have made there in animal welfare. Plus, rent is so much cheaper down there than anywhere else. I feel that maybe we should just go down there and find a place to live and then look for jobs, but she doesn't think that plan is solid enough and she's scared will get stranded with no jobs and dwindling funds. Which I'm scared of too, but I feel like maybe that's what we need to do. We need to be brave and strike out on our own and just try it. So yet another stand still. If I had a job, this wouldn't be a problem.
So this whole situation is just getting more and more stressful and I have no idea where the light at the end of the tunnel is. I don't know which way to go, I don't know what the answers are, and I don't know how Ash and I can reach a compromise when neither of us really want to deal with it (I get frustrated and flake out and Ash just doesn't want to talk about it because when she gets stressed she feels like she's backed into a corner and I know she hates that feeling more than anything).
I know that if I got a job, anywhere at this point, there would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't even care if it's in web design right now as long as it's full time and we can live off the wages. So if any of you have an "in" for me in Florida (or in Austin), I would greatly appreciate it. We seriously just need HELP.
Friday, June 19, 2009
6:43 pm,
Quick Heads-up.
Hey everyone! I'm holding a contest over at Snailbird and I thought I'd mention it here. Winner will get Hancock on DVD, the 1-Disk Unrated Edition. Go check it out and enter.
Personal
Still sick. I'm going to go take another nap.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
8:08 pm,
wishing for warm sand between my toes.
I hate being sick. I have a hell of a sinus infection and I've spent the majority of yesterday and today in bed watching Xena. And knitting (Leigh, I think I can safely say I have finally beaten the pattern into submission and you will be getting that thing (because I seriously don't know if it will come out looking anything like what it is supposed to be) whenever I can finish it).
It's weird. Ash and I are bent on someday living in Austin, but for awhile we were convinced that we might up in Jacksonville. So convinced that we put a lot of time into looking at it and the places around it and it might just end up being where we move to simply because we got kind of attached to it (I totally blame you Sabbie - your plot and impressive pictures of Jax is what started it all). And both Ash and I know a lot of people in Florida that we want to meet. And it's close. And it has beaches. And Disneyworld. And I have family in south Florida. And yeah. So we might save Austin as our future home, and head down to Florida to wherever we can find a cheap home to live in that allows animals (any advice?).
When I was little, I wanted to live in Ft. Lauderdale. It was where my grandparents lived and I loved it. Growing up I never for once thought I'd actually live in Florida. Let alone Ft. Lauderdale. But who knows what's going to happen now.
I'm much more optimistic than I was yesterday and I'm actually feeling exhilarated over the fact that NOT having jobs means we're not actually tied anywhere. We can pick anywhere right now to live (well, within budget), and it's exciting. No matter where we go, Ash and I have each other and our kids, and we shall make where ever we are a happy place. Our life is good and it will continue to be so.
Hey, maybe it would be better with a beach. ^.~
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
5:49 pm,
in which i start freaking out.
So I'm starting to quickly panic over a few things. 1) I have applied to over 50 (I'm not joking - I have a tally going) jobs in the past two months and have heard back from five to say they aren't hiring at the moment. 2) We have not begun to pack up any of our stuff and we have to somehow find the money for a storage unit for our large amount of crap. 3) We have to find jobs, pack, and move out of this house in six weeks. 6 Weeks and we will no longer have a place to live.
I'm slowly starting to realize that maybe I am not as good at web design as I thought I was and therefore I should probably stop applying to web design firms. As of now I guess we'll just move where ever we can find a place to stay with our animals and I'll find a job working for Walmart or something, because that's all we can do in six weeks. If Walmart will even accept me. The whole moving thing doesn't work that well either though since Austin is fucking expensive and despite it being a wonderful dog-friendly city, there are surprisingly few places that allow pets to live in. Florida has more and lower rent so we've kind of just started looking there instead of Austin, but there's still the fact that we can't find jobs, and finding a place means money.
Have no money because we can't find jobs, have no jobs because we don't live local, and we can't live local because we have no money. It's a damn trap, that's what it is.
At this point if we don't have anything in the next six weeks, we're just going to stuff everything we own into boxes, throw it in a storage unit, pack up the kids, and live in the our cars and pray to whatever higher deity is out there that we don't all die from heatstroke.
Thankfully we both have a little money saved up. Ash is better at saving, but at least I still have some freelance work rolling in from clients - hopefully it'll be enough to get a small place until we get jobs. I just don't know where we're going to end up. Possibly Jacksonville or Orlando since rent is cheap, they're both big cities and might have better job opportunities. And they're relatively near to Tennessee so when we move we don't have THAT far to go (as opposed to San Fransisco, which was kind of a dream option).
I don't know. In short, I'm jobless, almost homeless, and ready to take anything that comes my way. HELP.
.back in the days.
.back to the top.
