some morning ramblings.
Personal

Today I just feel... I have no idea what word I'd use. Restless? Yearning for something? Full of wanderlust? I really don't know. I guess I just feel like there's more out in the world. I want better for my family. I guess everyone does really, but I don't know. Ash and I watched WALL-E for the first time last night and we both cried and were both happy and we've agreed it's (one of) our favorite Pixar movie(s). Just beautifully made, perfect message. But it's left me with this feeling that there is so much more in the world that we can do.

I want to be successful and take care of Ash and the kids. I want to do big things to make positive impacts on the Earth. I want to explore jungles and deserts and mountains and I want to find in myself something new and secret and magical. I want to be told that I am someone special and that I can do anything. I want to push my limits and find out what I'm made of. I want to wrap my arms around Ash and be able to promise her that I can make everything and anything right that's wrong. I want to be able to not worry about money for vet bills and take care of our kids. I want to make our life perfect; I want people to see us and recognize what good people we are. I want our friends to live closer.

I want to be a better girlfriend. I want to be a better friend. We've slowly started meeting people here. I've got some work friends, and Ash and I are starting to hang out with our new friend Samantha, but we miss our old friends. Why do people have to live so spread out? Indiana, Wisconsin, Colorado, Montana, Florida, Iowa, Mississippi, New York, California... they're all over the place. Come stay with us in Austin - you'll like it.

I'm trying to be more empathetic. Ash is all about empathy and I get really caught up in my own feelings and zone out a lot and it hurts her feelings, even though she knows it's unintentional. So far I think it's working. I'm more conscious of how she's feeling. I mean it's slow going at the moment, but I know it'll get better. I have faith in myself (and so does she). At least here in Austin we have more opportunities to finally act like girlfriends. Whether we're at the hospital, a restaurant, or just walking in downtown, I don't feel any sort of worry about what people will think when I touch her cheek or kiss her shoulder or slip my arm into hers. I love living in a liberal city.

I'm feeling better. Today is the Halloween party here at work. My Max costume didn't work out, so today I am a pirate (of course). Ash is coming for the party at three so she can finally see where I work and meet some of my co-workers, though the person I've been trying to get her to meet isn't here (he's on vacation with his partner and won't be back till Monday). It'll be fun. There'll be food.

In any case. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm going to make my life better. I can't wait around for it to just become so. I need to find my optimism and let it overwhelm me. I need to smile more (that one's easy, I just have to think about that cute grin of Ash's and I'm grinning like a moron). And I'm going to stop worrying so much about little things. Lately my comeback for when I start getting stressed or worried is "This is just one thing in the big picture. It doesn't really matter." It's been working. Should have thought of that one sooner.

Right. Back to work.